Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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