who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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