i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
