My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
We left the knife in your bed.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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