I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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