I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
