don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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