someone get that fucking seahorse.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Randomize
