the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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