Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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