I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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