There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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