my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
