I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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