FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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