I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
