dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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