Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
