you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
