i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
