I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
