It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
