i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
