The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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