You're my little dorito
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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