my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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