dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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