You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
