i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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