got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
