If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
