i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
