Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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