the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
