Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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