will power is for people who don't want to get laid
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
