I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
