He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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