I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
