Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
