Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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