I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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