forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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