dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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