shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
