I think I won the penis lottery.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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