life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
