Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
