my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
