I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
