that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
