that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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