The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
